we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
