it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
His hands were made for my vagina.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
