So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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