I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
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