Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Randomize
