Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
