I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
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