I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
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