Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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