just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
