nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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