just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
