ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I think my vagina is haunted
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
