If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
