blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
