I'm laying in your front yard are you home
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
