If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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