I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
