my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Randomize
