Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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