i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
