Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You may now shotgun with the bride
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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