I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
