I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
