dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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