come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
