He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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