Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
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