wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
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