Will you blow on my dice?
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
