you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
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