in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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