so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
