You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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