some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
