She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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