drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
