I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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