You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
