I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
