The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
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