I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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