just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
