I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Randomize
