So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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