I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
