the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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