So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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