I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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