i don't like sucking hair
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
