what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I just forgot I was standing up.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
i think i just lost a toe
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
