i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
