News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
