I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
