So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
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