Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
