Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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