Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
