My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
