A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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