that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
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