apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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